Today, February 3, 2011, my little Noah Matthew would be 3 years old, had he made it to his due date. It got me thinking about how it has been a really long time since I have talked about our baby boys on the blog. It also got me thinking about how I have not really shared anything about our struggle with infertility for the past almost 2 years. I don’t talk about it, so I imagine friends either (a.)think I’d just rather not talk about it, or (b.)don’t think anything of it!
However, for me, it is something I think about daily. Not loosing our babies. I don’t dwell so much on our loss, though they have a forever place in my heart. I think of them often though, and at times wish they were here with me. But what I mean is, I don’t wallow in sadness. God has been gracious to me, and carried me/us through immensely more than I could have imagined.
What I DO think about daily, is God’s plan for our family. Will God entrust to us more biological children? Or might He later lead us down the road of adoption? Is our family complete right now? Is my body even capable of conceiving more children? And if so, how about sustaining the life of a baby? If I do ever conceive again, will it be another road of heartache and pain?
I believe these are all normal human thoughts, fears, and questions. But above all, I know that the reality is that God is in control of it all. I have no need to worry or fear. I have no need to wonder and fret. If God has ordained it for our family, it will be. If God creates new life within me, He will be in control of that new life, and whether or not he/she is sustained. I can fully trust my Good, Loving, All-Powerful, Father God!
Now, all of that being said, here is a little update on where we stand after these past, almost 2 years, since our third son, Corbin passed away.
After taking a few weeks to grieve and for my body to heal after giving birth to Corbin, we stepped into a frenzy of doctor appointments. These appointments were to (a.) try to figure out the reason for loosing two babies at basically the exact same time during my pregnancies, and (b.) to check into these strange cysts/tumors that had been found on first one, then both ovaries.
We were given a Dr recommendation by a friend who specialized in these kinds of things. He was quickly able to identify the reason for our baby losses. A blood clotting disorder. And as I was later referred to another specialist, it was found that I did not have a genetic disorder but a immune disorder. Meaning that my blood clotting disorder could be cured, simply by taking extra folic acid, rather than having daily heparin injections during pregnancy. Whew! What a relief! And at the same time, how sad – if I had only known sooner…. But hey, better now than several more pregnancies down the road!
Regarding the tumors (they were determined to be 2 dermoid tumors), I was shuffled around from doctor to doctor, all with seemingly differing opinions. One of those doctors was an oncologist who was quite certain they were not cancerous. Our final doctor thought my best chance of getting pregnant again would be to leave the tumors there for now and monitor them, since there was a very high risk of loosing both ovaries during surgery. However, about 4 months later I woke up one day with excruciating pain, was taken to the emergency room, and experienced the worst physical pain I have ever experienced in my lifetime as my tumors were twisting! I was taken in for emergency surgery that night, and by God’s grace given an excellent on-call surgeon who was able to remove the tumors and preserve both ovaries.
My surgeon instructed us to wait 6 months before trying to conceive again. And we did. And since that time, we have still not been able to conceive. I am pretty relaxed about it all. That is just the way God has created me. That is not to say it’s not still hard at times, and I don’t still wonder what is to be. During the past year and a half He has really been teaching me a lot about nutrition. And to further that knowledge, I am currently taking an online fertility course through NaturallyKnockedUp.com It has been wonderful and I am learning so much about how I can prepare my body and home for the best possible chance of having another baby. I would be overjoyed to have more children. It is something I so strongly desire! However, God has instilled, deep down in my being, a peace that transcends all understanding. A peace, that even if I never conceive another baby, I am still filled with joy in my Awesome God. I do not feel a need to go to far-reached lengths of trying to concieve (i.e. medications, invitro, etc). Not that going to far-reached lengths is bad for everyone. I just know, it is not what God wants me personally to do. I am trying to naturally care for myself and my family the very best I possibly can, and if God chooses to bless our family with a new precious member, I will be overjoyed! And if our family is currently complete, I am still so thankful for the amazing gifts He has already blessed me with! I am learning to be satisfied in Him alone!