My Heart is Hurting

    Yeserday started out as an exciting day for our family.  It was my 19 1/2 week check up and sonogram.  We were all ready and excited to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl.  Family and friends were also waiting to hear the news.  The kids went with us to the doctor to see the baby on the tv – Trevor waiting to find out he has a new baby brother, and Zoe waiting to find out that she has a new baby sister!  

     The sonographer started the sonogram, beginning with measurements.  She measured the head, and then the abdomen.  Then she said, “the baby is measuring small, I am going to go get the doctor.”  A few minutes later my midwife came in.  I was still laying down expecting to finish the sonogram and find out if the baby was a boy or girl!  However, she had me sit up and said the sonogram was over.  She then started to explain that by the baby’s measurements it looks as though he/she died about 2 weeks ago.  They found no heartbeat, and there was no movement.  I was completely shocked.  I tried to be strong in front of the kids (who were still clueless about what was happening at this point), but I couldn’t hold it in, and I just broke down and cried.  My midwife then began to explain our options.  We have decided to wait another week, have another sonogram, just to make sure there is no mistake (this is really for our own peace of mind).  If by then my body still has not recognized that the baby has died, and gone into labor on its own, they will induce labor in the hospital.  They decided to start the sonogram again and show me the baby so they could take some pictures for me to take home.  It was extreemely hard to look at my precious little baby on that screen who was no longer alive.  As we were leaving the doctor and walked out into the hall the kids asked, “is it a brother or a sister.”  I was so choked up I couldn’t even answer them, “I just said, “daddy will tell you when we get to the car.”  In the car he explained to them what had happened.  They were sad and completely quiet the whole car ride home. 

     This is one of the most terrible kinds of pain I have ever experienced.  I can’t even express what this feels like.  You would think that having never met this child it wouldn’t be so hard, but it is.  There is something so special and so intimate about carrying a child inside of you.  I have had a miscarriage before – at 6 weeks – and that was difficult.  But there is something very different about carrying a baby this long – wearing maternity clothes, listening to the hearbeat, having a growing belly, feeling kicks,  picking out names, etc.  It comes as more of a shock.  I have always thought when you make it past that first trimester, you can pretty much count on everything being fine from there on out.  I know that is wrong (I really know now), but I had just believed that everything was going to be fine.  

     I am so thankful to know that none of this has suprised God, none of this was outside of His sovereign plan for our lives, and the life of this baby.  I am so thankful that He hears my weak, pitiful prayers and groans.  I am so thankful that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that this will all be for my good and for His glory.    If you think about it, please pray for us and we grieve the loss of this baby.

  “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”  Psalm 42: 5 

   “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'”  Lamentations 3:19-24   

For previous posts about this pregnacy and some of the complications we have had, go here, here, and here.

Katie

Boasting In My Weakness

1 Corinthians 12:9-10

Comments

  1. Katie,
    Dear sweet Katie,
    My heart is broken for you, oh I am so very sorry. I wish I was their with you to give you a big hug. I am crying and grieving with you like only a mothers heart can. I have had 3 miscarriages but never this far along.

    Katie you are so strong, your post is full of wisdom and grace! I am praying for you and will keep you all in prayer over the coming weeks.

    Oh how I wish things would have been different but we know all things work together for good for those that love the Lord, I know he has a perfect plan and I know he will turn this around and bless your family abundantly!

    Your Angel baby is in the arms of Jesus and awaits you and your family!!! Our lives here on earth are like a vapor in the wind, a blink of an eye compared to eternity in heaven. Your sweet baby awaits you there! 🙂

    Praying for you,

    Hugs

    Tiany

  2. I am so sorry. I completely understand your hurt. I will be praying for you and your family indeed. Read 1 Samuel chapter 1 and chapter 2:1-11. This is what got me though my miscarriages. My third child’s middle name is Samuel!

  3. Thank you Tiany and Linda. It means so much to hear your kind words and to know you are praying for us.

  4. Katie,

    I am SO very sorry!

    I wish so badly that I had words of comfort or wisdom for you, sadly I just don’t have any. What I can do is pray…I already have and will continue to do so whenever you come to mind.

    Above all, I am praying for you all to have peace. Please feel free to email me directly if you ever need to, okay?

  5. Katie,

    We will be praying for all of you this week and the weeks to come. I can not imagine the shock upon hearing the news and the pain you felt. Please let us know of any specific needs or prayer requests. I will pray especially for peace and wisdom for all of you especially as Wed. approaches. Also for Trevor and Zoe for peace and understanding that only God can give during this time.

    I was really touched by the song Bring the Rain. It is hard coping sometimes during the midst of severe hardships or loss. Please let us know of any needs you all have.

    Continuing in prayer,
    Jennifer Thrash

    Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with athe comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. II Cor. 1:3-4

  6. Thank you Missy for your kind comment, and for praying for us, it means more than you know!

    Thank you Jennifer. I love that verse, it has been very comforting during past losses as well! I will email you if I think of any specific requests. Thank you so much for praying.

  7. Katie
    I’m so sorry to hear that.I’m praying for you.and send hugs to you & your family.

  8. I am sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family.

  9. Katie,
    I’ve never commented here before but simply must now. My dear, you’ll be in my prayers and on my heart. Praying for the Lord’s comfort, guidance and peace in this difficult time.
    Isaiah 40:31
    Matthew 11:28
    Philippians 4:12-13

    Blessings,
    Trina

  10. Dear Katie,
    I just happened by your blog because of Blogger Friend School, but I realize, I was supposed to come here for a different reason now.

    I just lost my son in June. He was 18 weeks 3 days. I started a Christian Grief Support Forum as a result. Comfort In Heaven, http://www.comfortinheaven.com I have some wonderful resources on there to take advantage of and the ladies that are apart of the group are so loving and wonderful.

    I am so sorry for your loss and if you would like someone to talk to that has gone through the same thing, I would be more than happy to talk to you anytime.
    May God give you the comfort and strength you need right now to make it through each day.
    (((Hugs))) Love and God Bless, Melissa D. SC http://www.xanga.com/MelissaDSC or dono7695 AT bellsouth DOT com I have pictures on my blog starting around June 21 or 22nd of this year if you would like to see them.

  11. Katie –

    I haven’t been out blog reading for at least a week, so this is the first time I’ve read this and it touched my heart even though I already knew. My heart hurts with you and for you and your family, for little Trevor and Zoe.
    You guys are still in my prayers, and I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow.

    MUCH, MUCH, love –

    (Me.) 😉

  12. Sending up prayers for encouragement and healing.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Photo Gallery My Heart is Hurting […]

  2. […] Welcome to another week of Menu Plans in our home!  Because of the news we found out last week, this week will be pretty uncertain as far as any type of planning goes, […]

  3. […]  More info on what is going on: My Heart is Hurting […]

  4. […]    Here are the links to the posts I wrote about a year ago when we were going through this very sad time… Post #1 – the day we went in for 20 week sono and found out our baby had died […]

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