Yeserday started out as an exciting day for our family. It was my 19 1/2 week check up and sonogram. We were all ready and excited to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl. Family and friends were also waiting to hear the news. The kids went with us to the doctor to see the baby on the tv – Trevor waiting to find out he has a new baby brother, and Zoe waiting to find out that she has a new baby sister!
The sonographer started the sonogram, beginning with measurements. She measured the head, and then the abdomen. Then she said, “the baby is measuring small, I am going to go get the doctor.” A few minutes later my midwife came in. I was still laying down expecting to finish the sonogram and find out if the baby was a boy or girl! However, she had me sit up and said the sonogram was over. She then started to explain that by the baby’s measurements it looks as though he/she died about 2 weeks ago. They found no heartbeat, and there was no movement. I was completely shocked. I tried to be strong in front of the kids (who were still clueless about what was happening at this point), but I couldn’t hold it in, and I just broke down and cried. My midwife then began to explain our options. We have decided to wait another week, have another sonogram, just to make sure there is no mistake (this is really for our own peace of mind). If by then my body still has not recognized that the baby has died, and gone into labor on its own, they will induce labor in the hospital. They decided to start the sonogram again and show me the baby so they could take some pictures for me to take home. It was extreemely hard to look at my precious little baby on that screen who was no longer alive. As we were leaving the doctor and walked out into the hall the kids asked, “is it a brother or a sister.” I was so choked up I couldn’t even answer them, “I just said, “daddy will tell you when we get to the car.” In the car he explained to them what had happened. They were sad and completely quiet the whole car ride home.
This is one of the most terrible kinds of pain I have ever experienced. I can’t even express what this feels like. You would think that having never met this child it wouldn’t be so hard, but it is. There is something so special and so intimate about carrying a child inside of you. I have had a miscarriage before – at 6 weeks – and that was difficult. But there is something very different about carrying a baby this long – wearing maternity clothes, listening to the hearbeat, having a growing belly, feeling kicks, picking out names, etc. It comes as more of a shock. I have always thought when you make it past that first trimester, you can pretty much count on everything being fine from there on out. I know that is wrong (I really know now), but I had just believed that everything was going to be fine.
I am so thankful to know that none of this has suprised God, none of this was outside of His sovereign plan for our lives, and the life of this baby. I am so thankful that He hears my weak, pitiful prayers and groans. I am so thankful that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that this will all be for my good and for His glory. If you think about it, please pray for us and we grieve the loss of this baby.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42: 5
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'” Lamentations 3:19-24