I believe I mentioned in my last post that the nurse was unable to tell if our baby was a boy or girl. This has been really hard for me to deal with. I wanted to know so badly so I could name our baby. This is so important to me because the baby is so real to me…my child, just the same as my other children, only this one died in my womb. Not being able to give the baby a name somehow makes the baby seem less real, like less of a person.
I had a boy name and a girl name picked out. So, when I realized that we couldn’t know if the baby was a boy or girl, I decided to search for a gender neutral name that I could give the baby. I prayed that the Lord would show me what to name the baby, and I found nothing that had a good meaning and fit just right. I gave up on this idea. I strongly considered taking a guess on the gender, and going with one of our names we had picked out. But each time I tried to work this out in my mind, I just didn’t feel right about it. I felt like I would be lying to myself, and to others by doing this.
So, this morning during my quiet time, I asked the Lord to give me peace about not knowing the gender of the baby, and peace about not being able to name the baby. I was having such a difficult time with this, I desperately needed Him to take this desire from me and give me peace.
A couple hours later, I went to my Midwife for my follow-up appointment. She spent a lot of time talking to me this morning. While talking she mentioned the baby being a boy. I was shocked and so overjoyed, and immediately started crying! My head flooded with thoughts – remembering my prayer this morning, thinking it would have been impossible to know, and realizing God’s amazing kindness toward me! God would have been perfectly Good, and Just, and Kind, had He chose not to reveal this to Me – but He did it anyway!!! What an amazing, special blessing this is to me, and I am so thankful for it! Isn’t God so Good?!!
My midwife went on to tell me that she and the doctor had examined the baby, and both clearly saw that it was a boy. The doctor also said that he could find nothing wrong with the baby’s spine, nor could he find any birth defects, the baby looked completely normal. So, they don’t know a cause, but that is perfectly fine with me. God knows, He was in complete control of our baby’s life, this was His perfect plan for our baby, and that is all I need to know.
Now, about that name…. We have decided to name our baby BOY – Noah Matthew. Noah means “peace,” “rest,” and we know that he is in the ultimate, perfect peace and rest now. Matthew means “gift of God,” and that he certainly was (as is every child! Psalm 127:3).
One passage of Scripture that has taken on a whole new meaning to me is Psalm 139, specifically verses 13-16. This is a passage that we often read to expecting moms at baby showers, and I have always loved it. Yet now it brings new meaning and comfort to my heart as I think of my precious little baby and his very brief life.
“For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.”
Psalm 139:13-16 (ESV)