…whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3
To read Part One of this story, click here.
After our doctor confirmed to us that our baby had passed away, I tried, through tears, to explain a little bit about the bad feeling I had been having. I just told them a few quick pieces of the story, but I’ll share the whole thing here.
I think the very first thought I had about losing the baby, came one Tuesday night (April 22nd) while my husband was away on a business trip. Seemingly out of the blue, I had the thought to listen to a Nancy Leigh DeMoss podcast. Something I hadn’t done in months. When I went to the podcast, it was day 2 of a 3 day series where Angie Smith was sharing the story of their baby girl, Audrey Caroline, who passed away just a couple hours after birth. (The song and book ‘I will Carry You’ tell her story, and I highly recommend them!) As soon as I saw what the podcast was, I quickly closed out the app. I said (even outloud, I think), “nuh-uh, oh no, I am NOT listening to that Lord! Please no. Why is this the podcast today? When I actually have a quiet moment to sit down and listen….THIS is the one you have given me to listen to?” I felt the Lord putting it in my heart to listen. So, I surrendered, and turned it back on. I went to Monday’s podcast, and listened to both of them. As I listened, in the back of my mind, I was asking God, why are you having me listen to this? Please don’t let it be why I think you are. Maybe I just need more healing from Corbin and Noah. I hope that is all it is. Of course, we know now, it was as I had originally feared. God was having me listen to those podcasts at that moment, for His own good purposes. And after I heard the news last Thursday, my mind went immediately back to that night, and all I saw was God’s goodness, and His gracious, loving hand in leading me to listen to the thing I did not want to listen to. He was beginning to prepare my heart for this again. He was taking care of me, showing me His presence, and His loving-kindness.
That time lines up pretty well with when the doctor thinks the baby passed away. As the days went on, I of course tried to convince myself everything was going to be ok. But there was something else I had started to notice. My belly seemed to stop growing. It also seemed to change it’s shape a bit, and not be as firm as it had been. As the days went on, I noticed this more and more, and the feeling that something wasn’t right kept growing. This is the exact same thing that happened with Corbin. I could tell my belly had changed. This felt so much like that. And, having just gone through a healthy, wonderful pregnancy with our miracle baby, Felicity, everything was so fresh in my mind. I could tell my belly just didn’t seem the same as it had been with Felicity.
Even with all of these strong feelings, I didn’t want to believe it. Inside I was refusing to believe it, because as long as I didn’t believe it, my baby was ok, safe and sound, and growing fine. The moment I let these “feelings” take over, and call my doctor with my “intuitions,” I would have to face the possible terrible reality. So I made up my mind everything was ok, and we would just go to the doctor when I had my scheduled sonogram. I didn’t even tell Jared for about a week and a half, because he was going on two different business trips, and I didn’t want him worrying. Especially if it was for nothing, and I was just having crazy feelings. Once he had been home for a couple days, the evening of Sunday, May 4th, I finally told him about the feelings I was having. He of course was super worried, and wanted me to go to the ER right then. I was able to talk him out of that, since there wouldn’t be anything they could do anyway. If I was wrong, it would be a huge wasted trip, time, and money. If I was right, it would only speed up what I didn’t want to be sped up – delivering another stillborn baby. He wanted me to call the doctor the next morning. But, when I woke up the next morning, after spending time with the Lord, in much prayer, I felt so much peace. It was so overwhelmingly strong, I began to feel I was just freaking out for nothing, and the baby was truly ok. This peace grew stronger each day, to the point that we even felt ok bringing the kids with us to the appointment. And going into the appointment that day, I can honestly say I was not afraid. I was not expecting to find a baby that wasn’t alive. I was honestly fully expecting to see our sweet baby alive and well.
This probably sounds a little nutty to others who are reading this. Looking back on it, it feels a little nutty. But as I think about why the Lord might have orchestrated it that way, I have to believe He was working it all out in His perfect timing. It seemed like horrible timing to us. We were supposed to go from the sono straight to Six Flags, with pre-purchased tickets we had for Homeschool Day. The next day, and day after that we were supposed to go to the Homeschool Bookfair, again with tickets we had already purchased in advance. And then Sunday, Mother’s Day, my husband had pre-purchased tickets for another event for Mother’s Day that I couldn’t attend since I was recovering. However, it worked perfectly with time my husband was already taking off from work, so he was able to be there with me, and not miss too much unplanned time at work. I am sure it also seems crazy that we had the kids with us, with the feelings I had had. For whatever reason, that extreme peace the Lord had given me, caused us to feel ok bringing the kids. I believe the Lord wanted the kids there for a reason, that only He knows. I trust He was caring for us greatly in all of these details that seem a little crazy to us. I don’t understand it all, but I trust Him fully and completely.
We were so thankful in all the ways we saw the Lord preparing us for this. Jared kept commenting on the extreme amount of peace he was seeing the Lord give me. He said that I seemed so much more at peace this time than I ever had with our other two, and He could see that God had really prepared me for this. That peace was just what I needed to get through those first couple of days, delivering the baby, being at the hospital like that again. I’ll write about our baby’s birth in the next post. Stay tuned…
If you are new to this blog, welcome! To give you a little history on our past baby deaths, or for some great lists of resources on miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, check this page out.