**Updated to add: I found my camera cord, and have added the photos to the end of the post now!**
I can not believe it has already been a year since I gave birth to our sweet little baby Noah, who was no longer alive. It will actually be one year this Sunday, Sept 21st.
Here are the links to the posts I wrote about a year ago when we were going through this very sad time…
I am not writing this post to try to re-focus on my pain. Nor am I writing it to try to make a big deal out of the suffering I have experienced. I am writing this post first, as a testimony to God’s grace to bring me through this loss, and also as memorial to our baby – because I will never forget him!
I am not going to lie and say that here I am a year later, totally over the loss of our baby. I don’t think I will ever be “over” it. I am however completly amazed and thankful for God’s grace to me in giving me peace in times when, in my own flesh, I would have none. Knowing and beilieving in God’s Sovereignty is an enormous comfort. I don’t know how I could ever get through a loss like this ( or any other) without understanding the soveriegnty of God. If I believed that this had happened simply by chance, oh how much harder it would be to heal from the pain! I know that in my human mind I could go to so many places of how, why, it’s unfair, etc. But thankfully one of the many ways God has been gracious to comfort me through this is with his loving sovereignty over all things, and by His grace He allows me to trust Him fully, because He is good and does all things well!
God has also been so gracious to surround me with so many loving friends and family who have been so great to ask me how I am doing, and so kind to listen to me when I need to talk. I am so thankful for them!
Several weeks after we lost Noah, we began to discuss and pray about when the Lord’s timing would be for us to try to have another baby. We began trying last Feb/March, about 7 months ago. So far, the Lord has not given us another child. The Lord has really given me much peace about this here in the past month. However, it was not an easy road to get to that point.
I always had this idea in my head. You know, my own plan for my life! I guess it wasn’t until this past year that the Lord began to reveal this sin to me. Before then I would have thought, “no way, I am not trying to follow my own plan, I desire to follow God’s!” And that is true…to an extent. But not in the area of planning our family. Since I was in college, I desired to have a larger family. Not the “normal” 2.5 child american family. I love children. I love the children God has given me SO much!!! I can’t even express the deep deep love I have for them. In my own planned vision for our family I would have 4 children – at least! I would boastfully proclaim that I was going to have at least 4 children to anyone who asked. And, I also did not plan for there to be such a huge age gap and that has eaten away at me. I thought 2-3 years apart…in my perfect plan (read in sarcasm). Now here I am completely humbled in this area of my life, wondering if the Lord will ever grant us another child! And that has been heart-wrenching to ponder. But I have been forced to! And that is a wonderful thing! I am thankful that the Lord has not left me in my prideful planning! I know and believe, even more now than ever before, that the Lord opens the womb, and closes the womb. There is no planning or controlling that can be done by us to change this!
I am SO grateful for the children he has give us. If we never have another child, may I always praise God for His grace in the children He has given us! May He grant me the grace to do that and never be resentful or bitter!
So now, in memory of our little Noah whom we lost a year ago this Sunday, a few pictues…