One Year Anniversary of our Baby Noah’s Birth/Death

**Updated to add:  I found my camera cord, and have added the photos to the end of the post now!**

   I can not believe it has already been a year since I gave birth to our sweet little baby Noah, who was no longer alive.  It will actually be one year this Sunday, Sept 21st.   

   Here are the links to the posts I wrote about a year ago when we were going through this very sad time…

Post #1 – the day we went in for 20 week sono and found out our baby had died

Post #2 – an update I wrote from when we had 2nd sono that confirmed baby’s death

Post #3 – post about the baby’s birth

Post #4 – God graciously revealing the gender of the baby

   I am not writing this post to try to re-focus on my pain.  Nor am I writing it to try to make a big deal out of the suffering I have experienced.  I am writing this post first, as a testimony to God’s grace to bring me through this loss, and also as memorial to our baby – because I will never forget him! 

   I am not going to lie and say that here I am a year later, totally over the loss of our baby.  I don’t think I will ever be “over” it.  I am however completly amazed and thankful for God’s grace to me in giving me peace in times when, in my own flesh, I would have none.  Knowing and beilieving in God’s Sovereignty is an enormous comfort.  I don’t know how I could ever get through a loss like this ( or any other) without understanding the soveriegnty of God.  If I believed that this had happened simply by chance, oh how much harder it would be to heal from the pain!  I know that in my human mind I could go to so many places of how, why, it’s unfair, etc.  But thankfully one of the many ways God has been gracious to comfort me through this is with his loving sovereignty over all things, and by His grace He allows me to trust Him fully, because He is good and does all things well!

   God has also been so gracious to surround me with so many loving friends and family who have been so great to ask me how I am doing, and so kind to listen to me when I need to talk.  I am so thankful for them!

   Several weeks after we lost Noah, we began to discuss and pray about when the Lord’s timing would be for us to try to have another baby.  We began trying last Feb/March, about 7 months ago.  So far, the Lord has not given us another child.  The Lord has really given me much peace about this here in the past month.  However, it was not an easy road to get to that point.

   I always had this idea in my head.  You know, my own plan for my life!   I guess it wasn’t until this past year that the Lord began to reveal this sin to me.  Before then I would have thought, “no way, I am not trying to follow my own plan, I desire to follow God’s!”  And that is true…to an extent.  But not in the area of planning our family.  Since I was in college, I desired to have a larger family.  Not the “normal” 2.5 child american family.  I love children.  I love the children God has given me SO much!!!  I can’t even express the deep deep love I have for them.  In my own planned vision for our family I would have 4 children – at least!  I would boastfully proclaim that I was going to have at least 4 children to anyone who asked.  And, I also did not plan for there to be such a huge age gap and that has eaten away at me.  I thought 2-3 years apart…in my perfect plan (read in sarcasm).  Now here I am completely humbled in this area of my life, wondering if the Lord will ever grant us another child!  And that has been heart-wrenching to ponder.  But I have been forced to!  And that is a wonderful thing!  I am thankful that the Lord has not left me in my prideful planning!  I know and believe, even more now than ever before, that the Lord opens the womb, and closes the womb.  There is no planning or controlling that can be done by us to change this! 

   I am SO grateful for the children he has give us.  If we never have another child, may I always praise God for His grace in the children He has given us!  May He grant me the grace to do that and never be resentful or bitter! 

   So now, in memory of our little Noah whom we lost a year ago this Sunday, a few pictues…

Comments

  1. What a heartfelt, realistic, joyful yet still sad post. I dislike the overly Christian *Oh the Lord has just taken all that away from me and I’m just so happy and la ti da* because it doesn’t work that way. I have not been in your situation but I have had other situations that were heart wrenching and not easily gotten over no matter how many times the ladies in my church said I should just praise God and be joyful…Bless you for being honest, not only with *us* but with God and yourself.

  2. I still can’t even begin to imagine your pain, but you are living proof of where I fall short in every way. You still cling to God, and have the entire year, while at times I pull away. I know I shouldn’t, and I’m praying that I don’t.
    Thanks for sharing your strength and your faith with us!

  3. Katie,
    I will be praying for you all this week. May the Lord give you and Jared peace about the number of children He has planned for your family. In Him,
    Jennifer

  4. We love you and Jared and Trevor and Zoe SOOO much! I’m sad with and for you sis. I really wanted to meet my nephew! That’s just me being selfish though, cause God had greater plans for him, ones we’ll never understand til we see him. I’m uplifted and inspired to see Christ’s strength in all of you through this though! Love you sis, and I will continue to pray that God would give you the desires of your heart :).

  5. Hey my friend, I am so sorry that I didn’t get a card out to you guys yesterday. I spent the weekend sick. Know that I am praying for you during this time. I know that it is not easy but it is comforting to know that God is in control and that Noah is safe with Him. The first year anniversary of Samuel’s death was very hard. Thank you for showing your heart with us all, I love you my sister in Christ!

  6. I can’t believe it has been a year. Can I just say how much I admire how you’re handling this? Being real is something I value very highly. God knows our deepest thoughts, even the ones we won’t admit to ourselves, so for us to ever try to be anything other than honest is just prideful, do you know what I mean?

    Anyway, just know that you’re covered in prayer right now. God bless your family!

  7. Your words and Noah’s precious life touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
    Love,
    Pam

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