I Can’t Believe I Am Writing This Again…

     I don’t even want to write this post, but I have to.  Let me first say that I am simply going to give the details of what happened for now, and I will write more in the days/weeks ahead.

     It all began last weekend when I started having this overwhelming feeling something was wrong with the baby.  I was concerned because I hadn’t yet felt the baby move, and I was 19 weeks along.  I figured that with my 4th baby, I should be feeling movement by now.  But at the same time I knew it could still be a little early.  I was also concerned because it seemed like my belly was not growing anymore, and it just looked different.  I kept praying that God would give me peace, and make that anxious feeling go away.  But it didn’t.  It just grew stronger!  My mind wouldn’t stop racing with all of the what if’s.   Part of me didn’t even want to go to the Dr, because I feared what I would find out, and what I would possibly be facing again.  But by Tuesday I knew I had to call my Dr. and go in…to settle my mind one way or another.  I got an appointment set up for Wednesday morning at 11am.

     Jared kept asking if he should take off of work and go with me, and I kept telling him, “no, because if it is nothing, than you took off for nothing.”  But after discussing it throughout the evening he decided he was going to take off work and go with me.  I felt deep in my heart the baby was not alive anymore, and he knew it.  So, Wednesday my mom came over to watch the kids while Jared and I went to the Dr.  First the nurse tried finding the heartbeat, but couldn’t.  So, she had my dr come in to try to find it.  My dr. asked what was going on, and I told her how I just had this overwhelming feeling that something was wrong.  When she looked at me, I could see in her eyes that she believed I could be right.  So, she started to try to find the heartbeat, but didnt try long before saying that she was going to take me back for a sonogram.   In the sono room my dr. said she was going to stay in there with me (which is something, in all of my pregnancies, she has never done before during a sonogram).  I have had so many sonograms in my life, I knew exactly what to look for.  The second the sonographer put the wand on my belly and zoomed in on the baby’s chest, I could see there was no little flicker where the heart usually flickers like crazy.  She had the sound turned off, so I couldn’t hear that there was no heartbeat.  But she turned on the coloring that shows where the blood flow is, and there was no blood flow in the baby’s body.  Then she finally turned on the sound, and – silence.  There was no heartbeat.  I saw the sonographer shake her head “no” at my Dr, and I burst into tears.  They never even had to say the words.  It was completely obvious our baby was no longer alive.  I can’t even describe all of the thoughts and emotions that flooded me at that moment.

     We went back into the exam room and talked with the dr about when we would deliver.  We wanted to do it as soon as possible.  She said she would call us with the day/time later.  Jared and I left there just completely crushed & shocked.  We went to eat lunch together, but first just sat in the parking lot talking for about 30 minutes.  Just trying to make some sense of it, trying to figure out why…really, we were  just talking out of our shock and devastation.  We talked about the kids and how we would tell them…how they would react.  We could not believe this was happening again.  18 months after losing Noah at 19.5 weeks, we were now losing this baby at 19.5 weeks.  Can this really be happening? Again?

I was SO thankful he took the day off from work. 

….To Be Continued Tomorrow….

Comments

  1. Still praying whenever you come to my thoughts…which is often.

  2. Hugs and prayers to you and Jared and your family. My heart goes out to both of you.

    Peace, Love and Blessings!!!

    Kiva

  3. Katie,

    My heart breaks for you guys and I am grieving with you. I will continue to be amazed how you seek to glorify Christ in the midst of deep suffering. I will be praying for you both. Continue to ask God to help you trust him, for his ways are perfect. Sometimes that is so hard to trust, but my thoughts go back to the Cross. Knowing and understanding the sacrificial love of Christ Jesus, our Savior, is such a help during times like these.

    God Bless you my precious Sister-in-Christ!
    Leigh

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  2. […] to Comments    It is hard to even know what to write or where to begin!  Since our baby was born a little over 2 months ago, I have had several doctor appointments and lots and lots of waiting to […]

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