So, back at home we sat down with the kids to tell them the news. We had anticipated it would be very difficult for both of them to take. We knew for Trevor it was going to hit him hard because he remembers losing Noah and still misses him. Zoe was 2 – almost 3 when Noah died and it didn’t make as big of an impact on her at that age. I am not sure she fully remembers. So we thought it would be harder for her this time, at 4 1/2, but I dont think we expected just how hard. They were both just devastated by the news. Trevor, like me, grieves quietly and likes to be alone, but he was so sad. Zoe just laid it all out there, all of her thoughts, feelings, emotions, and questions. Our poor kids, it broke my heart to see them so heartbroken. My first thought was, “I could never put them through this pain again!” We just all hugged and cried, and talked until there were no more tears and nothing left to say!
At one point Zoe said, “So, is heaven a good place or a bad place?” We told her that it is a wonderful place, the best place to be. To which she responded, “then why are we crying?” We laughed and said, “great question!” And of course also explained that while it is the best place for our baby to be, we are still sad that we don’t get to have him here on earth with us for a while first!
After the kids went down for a little nap, my dr called and said we were scheduled to come in that night at 8pm for an induction. So that evening the kids went to their great-grandparents house and Jared and I went to the hospital to have the baby.
Everything was done the same as last time. I laid in that hospital bed in total disbelief that I was there again doing this same thing all over again! The process went pretty much the same except that my labor lasted longer this time (13 hours instead of 8 hours) and the delivery was much more painful this time because the pain medicine had worn off by the time I delivered. We got to spend a little time with our baby – who was a boy! He was 8 inches, and weighed 6 oz. He had all of his perfect tiny little fingers and toes! The doctor said he looked perfectly normal and healthy. It appears the umbilical cord was tightly twisted right next to the belly button preventing any blood or oxygen from getting to the baby, and they believe that was the cause of his death.
I have to admit, it has been so much more difficult to understand this time, and to rest in God’s goodness and faithfulness. Last time, when we lost Noah I never once questioned God. I trusted that His ways are perfect, and that He is good in all He does. But this time it is harder. And I have asked why. I have thought about all of the miracles and amazing things God has done, how mighty and powerful He is, and that He is in complete control of all things. It would have been so simple for Him to keep that cord from getting twisted, but He didn’t. And as shameful as it is, for the first couple of days, I was mad at God. I didn’t even want to go to the Word for hope and encouragement.
But I am thankful God didn’t allow that to last long. I know He is answering the prayers of His people, and I am so thankful to all those who have prayed, or are praying for us. I am now finding so much encouragement, hope, and peace through the Word again. And, while I will never, ever understand why this has happened again, I know that God IS completely trustworthy, and faithful, and good.
So that pretty much sums up the past 5 days, and all that we have been experiencing. We did name our boy. We chose the name Corbin Elijah. Corbin was a name we were already strongly considering if we were going to have a boy, so we went with it. It means “a steep hill,” which I thought was a silly meaning the first time I heard it, but I think it actually fits very well now! We are definitely facing a steep hill, as we face grieving the loss of Corbin. And Jared came up with Elijah, which means, “the Lord is my God.”