Losing Our Baby – Part Two

     So, back at home we sat down with the kids to tell them the news.  We had anticipated it would be very difficult for both of them to take.  We knew for Trevor it was going to hit him hard because he remembers losing Noah and still misses him.  Zoe was 2 – almost 3 when Noah died and it didn’t make as big of an impact on her at that age.  I am not sure she fully remembers.  So we thought it would be harder for her this time, at 4 1/2, but I dont think we expected just how hard.  They were both just devastated by the news.  Trevor, like me, grieves quietly and likes to be alone, but he was so sad.  Zoe just laid it all out there, all of her thoughts, feelings, emotions, and questions.  Our poor kids, it broke my heart to see them so heartbroken.  My first thought was, “I could never put them through this pain again!”  We just all hugged and cried, and talked until there were no more tears and nothing left to say! 

     At one point Zoe said, “So, is heaven a good place or a bad place?”  We told her that it is a wonderful place, the best place to be.  To which she responded, “then why are we crying?”  We laughed and said, “great question!”  And of course also explained that while it is the best place for our baby to be, we are still sad that we don’t get to have him here on earth with us for a while first!

     After the kids went down for a little nap, my dr called and said we were scheduled to come in that night at 8pm for an induction.  So that evening the kids went to their great-grandparents house and Jared and I went to the hospital to have the baby. 

     Everything was done the same as last time.  I laid in that hospital bed in total disbelief that I was there again doing this same thing all over again! The process went pretty much the same except that my labor lasted longer this time (13 hours instead of 8 hours) and the delivery was much more painful this time because the pain medicine had worn off by the time I delivered.  We got to spend a little time with our baby – who was a boy!  He was 8 inches, and weighed 6 oz.  He had all of his perfect tiny little fingers and toes!  The doctor said he looked perfectly normal and healthy.  It appears the umbilical cord was tightly twisted right next to the belly button preventing any blood or oxygen from getting to the baby, and they believe that was the cause of his death. 

     I have to admit, it has been so much more difficult to understand this time, and to rest in God’s goodness and faithfulness.  Last time, when we lost Noah I never once questioned God.  I trusted that His ways are perfect, and that He is good in all He does.  But this time it is harder.  And I have asked why.  I have thought about all of the miracles and amazing things God has done, how mighty and powerful He is, and that He is in complete control of all things.  It would have been so simple for Him to keep that cord from getting twisted, but He didn’t.  And as shameful as it is, for the first couple of days, I was mad at God.  I didn’t even want to go to the Word for hope and encouragement. 

     But I am thankful God didn’t allow that to last long.  I know He is answering the prayers of His people, and I am so thankful to all those who have prayed, or are praying for us.  I am now finding so much encouragement, hope, and peace through the Word again.  And, while I will never, ever understand why this has happened again, I know that God IS completely trustworthy, and faithful, and good. 

     So that pretty much sums up the past 5 days, and all that we have been experiencing.  We did name our boy.  We chose the name Corbin Elijah.  Corbin was a name we were already strongly considering if we were going to have a boy, so we went with it.  It means “a steep hill,”  which I thought was  a silly meaning the first time I heard it, but I think it actually fits very well now!  We are definitely facing a steep hill, as we face grieving the loss of Corbin.  And Jared came up with Elijah, which means, “the Lord is my God.”

 

Losing Baby Corbin – Part One

Comments

  1. I just can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. I know that I’d be so angry with God too…and probably far longer than you were. I will continue to pray for you. I hope you take a small bit of comfort knowing that Noah and Corbin are playing together in Heaven. 🙂

  2. What a beautiful name and the meaning is very fitting. My sweet friend, I am so grieved for you and Jared. I hate that this has happened but i am so glad we have hope. I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through this twice. We love you guys.

  3. There are no words – I am so very sorry.
    May you find peace in your faith and one day understand why.

  4. OH my.. You poor thing. Sorry!

  5. I never know what to say except that I love you and I wish I could make it all go away – but I also know (and I know that you know) that God is infinitely wise and good and will bless you even as he comforts you through the pain and healing. I don’t think you could have chosen a better name. God has given you this steep hill, and he will help you climb it, and who knows what sights you will see from the top of this hill?

    {HUGS}

  6. Amber – that is very sweet, and such a true thought! You made me cry!

  7. Hi Katie,

    You don’t know me and I don’t know you. I was searching for the name of the person who sings “Here with us” and one of your blog entries came up with the answer (Joy Williams, thanks).

    Anyway, your blog looked interesting, and so I read some of your recent entries. I simply want to offer a prayer from a stranger who is also a mom and can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a baby, much less 2. May God give you peace that transcends all our understanding.

    Sincerely,
    Kathy

  8. I’m very sorry for your losses. It’s so hard to lose babies you want so much.
    I know this post said the 2nd one was thought to be a cord accident. But because your losses happened repeatedly & so far along, it’s suspicious of a maternal blood clotting issue. If you haven’t been tested for those, I’d encourage you to consider it.
    We had 3 losses (2 were consecutive early 2nd trimester). After that I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden. I probably inherited it from my paternal grandmother, who had 2 full-term stillbirths. (My mom had 7 babies, no miscarriages). With blood thinners, I was then able to have 2 successful healthy pregnancies.
    You mentioned you don’t plan to have any more children. But, it may be good to be screened for purposes of your own health. If you have a clotting issue (Prothrombin gene mutation, Factor II, Factor V Leiden, or others) it can make you high risk for any hormonal BC or hormone therapy. Also, you’ll want to take precautions if you ever need surgery or are travelling long distances b/c periods of being sedentary increase risks of clots & pulmonary embolisms. I take shots while pregnant, but when not pregnant, I just do a low-dose aspirin regimen. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal when not pregnant. But, it is empowering to know that I have it so I can stay active and hydrated and avoid anything contraindicated for someone who is a clot risk.
    Maybe that’s not the cause of your loses. But, I’d encourage you to research it b/c I had no idea about them until my Dr. did testing.

    • Hi Julie! This post was written in 2009, and soon after losing our little Corbin, I did some extensive searching to find out what was going on. I explain it more in later posts, but basically, we found out I had a blood clotting disorder, however, mine was environmental, and not genetic. I was able to just take extra folic acid to help that problem. Since that time, we had another baby girl in 2012, and everything went fine with the pregnancy just taking that extra folic acid. 🙂 Thank you for reaching out and offering help 🙂

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