It is hard to even know what to write or where to begin! Since our baby was born a little over 2 months ago, I have had several doctor appointments and lots and lots of waiting to find out results!
I will try to sum it all up and make it as short as possible! I have had the same dr. for all 5 of my pregnancies, since 2001. But it seemed she was pretty unwilling, or I guess maybe didn’t care enough to want to check into anything after we lost our baby again at 20 weeks along in my pregnancy. So I have been going to a new doctor who is so wonderful and actually cares enough about me and my unborn babies, to figure out what is causing these late-term miscarriages! We sat down to talk with him, and he wanted to run several different tests. I already knew from my previous dr that I had a tumor on one of my ovaries. When I went to my new doctor he found that I actually had 2 tumors, one on each ovary. This news in and of itself was a pretty hard blow because he had previously told me that it would be difficult to preserve the ovary in surgery, and I would probably lose it. So, when I found out I actually had a tumor on each ovary, I was devastated, thinking that I would probably loose both ovaries! But quicky overshadowing that devastation was my doctors concern for the greater possibility of cancer, now that he knew I had 2 tumors. So, I had a bunch of bloodwork drawn for various things (to try to find a cause for the miscarriages) along with a couple of tumor markers to test for cancer.
After waiting a week and a half for the results, praise the Lord, the bloodwork came back clear of cancer. I realize that bloodwork isn’t 100% accurate in testing for cancer. My doctor felt pretty certain this was the case though. So, I will now be having surgery in a month or so to remove the tumors, and at that time they will do a biopsy to find out for sure if the tumors are benign. Thankfully, my doctor said that even if they do find cancer in the biopsy, it had been found so early, that I should be fine! So that is wonderful news too! Waiting for those 10 days to find this out was difficult! My grandma died when I was 15 from cancer (ovarian cancer that had spread throughout her body), so knowing it was in my family did not help as I waited for these results! God has used all of this to once again draw me closer to Himself, and strengthen my faith in Him. I believe that God would have been equally good, gracious, and faithful had He ordained cancer in my young life, but I am obviously overwhelmed with thankfulness that this is probably not the case!!
So now, as I face surgery to remove these tumors, my prayer is that the Lord might allow me to have at least one of my ovaries in tact so that I might be able to have children through childbirth again! If this is not the Lord’s will for my life, may I praise Him just the same!
Also, at my last appointment, my doctor was very excited to tell me some good new/bad news! He found out the cause for my late-term miscarriages (good news!). He found that I have a rare blood-clotting disorder(ummm, not-so-good news!). He believes that my blood was clotting in the umbilical cord cutting off the lifeline for my babies. If I were to ever have another baby, I would have to be put on blood thinners and pretty much be on bedrest, or be very catious throughout the entire pregnancy in order to sustain the baby’s life.
So, as you can see there is so much for us to be praying about and thinking through. While I really do not feel that the Lord is finished with our family (giving children to us), I do not yet know how He will accomplish this (through childbirth, adoption, or both). I desire to be open to whatever He has planned for us!
All of this medical stuff has been very distracting for me. I think that is both good and bad. It has consumed a lot of my thoughts, and kept me from thinking much about our baby Corbin. But every once in a while the grief will hit me, and I will have a hard day. It is hard when someone says something careless, or when I just let myself feel the pain. I think I need to do that more though. Not that I need to dwell on the pain of the loss of my sweet baby all of the time, but I also don’t want to push that pain down, or not honor my baby’s life. I have meant to make a scrapbook to memorialize Corbin’s brief life – still haven’t done that. I have also meant to create a little memorial garden for all of our babies whom we’ve lost, and haven’t done that either!
Anyway, my “short-as-possible” blog post wasn’t so short! If you made it all the way to this point I am super impressed!