So Much On My Mind

   It is hard to even know what to write or where to begin!  Since our baby was born a little over 2 months ago, I have had several doctor appointments and lots and lots of waiting to find out results!

   I will try to sum it all up and make it as short as possible!  I have had the same dr.  for all 5 of my pregnancies, since 2001.  But it seemed she was pretty unwilling, or I guess maybe didn’t care enough to want to check into anything after we lost our baby again at 20 weeks along in my pregnancy.  So I have been going to a new doctor who is so wonderful and actually cares enough about me and my unborn babies, to figure out what is causing these late-term miscarriages!   We sat down to talk with him, and he wanted to run several different tests.  I already knew from my previous dr that I had a tumor on one of my ovaries.  When I went to my new doctor he found that I actually had 2 tumors, one on each ovary.  This news in and of itself was a pretty hard blow because he had previously told me that it would be difficult to preserve the ovary in surgery, and I would probably lose it.  So, when I found out I actually had a tumor on each ovary, I was devastated, thinking that I would probably loose both ovaries!  But quicky overshadowing that devastation was my doctors concern for the greater possibility of cancer, now that he knew I had 2 tumors.  So, I had a bunch of bloodwork drawn for various things (to try to find a cause for the miscarriages) along with a couple of tumor markers to test for cancer. 

   After waiting a week and a half for the results, praise the Lord, the bloodwork came back clear of cancer.  I realize that bloodwork isn’t 100% accurate in testing for cancer.  My doctor felt pretty certain this was the case though.  So, I will now be having surgery in a month or so to remove the tumors, and at that time they will do a biopsy to find out for sure if the tumors are benign.  Thankfully, my doctor said that even if they do find cancer in the biopsy, it had been found so early, that I should be fine!  So that is wonderful news too!  Waiting for those 10 days to find this out was difficult!  My grandma died when I was 15 from cancer (ovarian cancer that had spread throughout her body), so knowing it was in my family did not help as I waited for these results!  God has used all of this to once again draw me closer to Himself, and strengthen my faith in Him.  I believe that God would have been equally good, gracious, and faithful  had He ordained cancer in my young  life, but I am obviously overwhelmed with thankfulness that this is probably not the case!!

   So now, as I face surgery to remove these tumors, my prayer is that the Lord might allow me to have at least one of my ovaries in tact so that I might be able to have children through childbirth again!   If this is not the Lord’s will for my life, may I praise Him just the same! 

   Also, at my last appointment, my doctor was very excited to tell me some good new/bad news!  He found out the cause for my late-term miscarriages (good news!).  He found that I have a rare blood-clotting disorder(ummm, not-so-good news!).  He believes that my blood was clotting in the umbilical cord cutting off the lifeline for my babies.  If I were to ever have another baby, I would have to be put on blood thinners and pretty much be on bedrest, or be very catious throughout the entire pregnancy in order to sustain the baby’s life. 

   So, as you can see there is so much for us to be praying about and thinking through.  While I really do not feel that the Lord is finished with our family (giving children to us), I do not yet know how He will accomplish this (through childbirth, adoption, or both).  I desire to be open to whatever He has planned for us! 

   All of this medical stuff has been very distracting for me.  I think that is both good and bad.  It has consumed a lot of my thoughts, and kept me from thinking much about our baby Corbin.  But every once in a while the grief will hit me, and I will have a hard day.  It is hard when someone says something careless, or when I just let myself feel the pain.  I think I need to do that more though.  Not that I need to dwell on the pain of the loss of my sweet baby all of the time, but I also don’t want to push that pain down, or not honor my baby’s life.  I have meant to make a scrapbook to memorialize Corbin’s brief life – still haven’t done that.  I have also meant to create a little memorial garden for all of our babies whom we’ve lost, and haven’t done that either!

   Anyway, my “short-as-possible” blog post wasn’t so short!  If you made it all the way to this point I am super impressed!

Comments

  1. Oh katie~
    SO much to think about! Bless your heart, girl. Well, I will be praying. And what awesome news about the pregnancy solution! 🙂

  2. Thanks Missy!!

  3. Wow, I can’t believe all you have had to endure. I’m so sorry, Katie. I’ve thought about you in the last couple of weeks, especially when your blog was quiet. May you cling to the assurance that God knows the plans he has for you.

    Kathy

  4. Thanks so much Kathy!

  5. I’m praying that you get to keep an ovary!!!
    {If you can’t couldn’t they at least harvest some eggs? Is that something you have talked about? Either way, I’m praying for God’s peace for you in the outcome.}

    About this weird blood-clotting disorder — I’m so glad they found it! {Is this something that poses any kind of other threats to you? Yes, I’m worrying about you!}

    Also, just exactly HOW are ovarian tumors discovered early under routine physical checkups? It’s kind of scary to think that things like that could get missed if we don’t ask our doctors to check for them or present any symptoms that prompt them to do so. {Freaky!}

    Okay, sorry, didn’t mean to grill you. =) Just some things I’ve been thinking about since your email… I miss you and your kiddos. HUGS and PRAYERS!!

  6. About the ovary…you know, I want to be able to keep one, but at the same time, I dont know if I want to go through a pregnancy while on blood thinners…lots to pray about.

    I really dont know anymore info about the blood clotting disorder yet…he wants me to go to an internal medicine dr about that.

    Yea, ovarian tumors or ovarian cancer is usually not caught until it is advanced and spread. It is known as the whispering cancer, because there really are not many symptoms other than bloating or gas, which can be chalked up to just about anything else besides a tumor! So, the only way I found out I had them was from having sonograms during my pregnancies. I read that about 3 out of 4 women find out too late. It is usually found in older women.

    Often when women have a tumor on their ovary it twists the ovary and causes pain, but mine haven’t done that yet.

    I miss you too!! Hope you are doing well!!

    • I’m SOO asking for routine checking at my routine exams!! They can call me crazy if they want to, I don’t care! =)

      Take care and keep us posted. HUGS.

  7. Katie,

    I am so sorry that you have faced so many trials this year, but I am also thankful for the way that God has and is using it in your life. I also want you to know that I will be praying for you and your family as you prepare for surgery. As you know, I also have ovarian cancer in my family history. Obviously, we pray that cancer will not be found, but if it is how awesome it is that God has shown it to you so early. I will also be praying for you as you make decisions about the growth of your family. We will not be having anymore biological children, but we continue to pray about adoption. I know that God will make his plan for family known to you in the right time.

    Love,
    April

  8. Praise God for the new doctor and prayers that the old doctor will take things a step further in the future with other patients.

    Praying for you and the family…it was hard for us and I have come to peace with 2 is all God has for us and I know that you will follow God’s leading for what He has for you and your family.

    Peace, Blessings and Hugs!!!

  9. Katie,

    The good news is that now you know what is causing the difficulties. I had a big tumor, a blood clot in the lungs and a VERY high risk pregnancy, to say the least. But Emily is 4 and a half, and I lived! I had to have a hysterecotomy to remove the big tumor (the size of a small basketball) but I was able to have that last baby. I know God is able to do miracles. Your attitude is just right: contentment. The Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing we he withhold from them who trust in Him. PSalm 84.

  10. Thanks Jena for your comment & sharing some of what you have experienced!

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